Last night, I decided to delete that last post because, really? It’s nothing but a rant that displays the bitterness and despondency that occasionally get the best of me. Today, I decided to leave it there because it expresses something about my inner workings that I don’t want to deny or hide.
I’m not always like that. By nature, I’m neither a pessimist nor an optimist, but I’ve always struggled with serious depression. And while I am not depressed now, when I feel overwhelmed my natural tendency is to go to that place in my mind where everything is terrible, nothing will get better, and there’s no point in looking for the good. We all have dark sides and that is one of mine.
One of the things I frequently struggle with is taking things personally that are far outside of myself, things like the actions of corporations and government. So in my mind and heart, which were very dark indeed yesterday, I took it personally when the Obama administration passed health care reform that doesn’t meet the needs of my family. Doing that is NOT good for my mental health! It’s just that the fight (against long waiting lists, scarce providers, an uncaring and inflexible school system, and more) gets me down sometimes.
And what I’m really upset about is that my child is not well. No amount of access to even the very best of care would make that not true. I’m shattered over that reality and while most days I’m able to put one foot in front of the other and live my life, sometimes I can’t help it: it gets the best of me.
Thank you to all who read and post here. It’s comforting to know that when I throw this mess of pain out into the universe that some people are there to catch it.