People who equate truth with fact are missing the point.

Blogger Ninja

I have been mired in a slush of mucusful unpleasantness for almost two weeks now. It started with an ordinary cold, then spiraled up into a horrifying mess of hacking, choking, spitting foulness. Oh yes, it’s been a delight.

When I finally dragged myself and all my attendant putrefaction over to the urgent care two days ago, the universe saw fit to bestow upon me several gifts. First, the waiting room was EMPTY. Next, my doctor was a friend from church, which was nice because just in case the army of green horror-warriors in my head and chest finally rose up to choke me to death, I’d much rather the last face I see be that of someone I know and like rather than a stranger. The last gift? Codeine. It trims the edges off the misery and makes them all fuzzy.

Then, whaddya know? I got a blog award! Actually, I got the same award three times, which is triple the awesome, obviously. Thank you to Meagan at The Pretend Writer, Geninabug at My Beautiful 604, and Abby’s Mommy at 365 Days: 30+ Mommyhood!

This is what the award looks like. I’m not going to put it up yet. With NPS moving soon, I don’t want it to get damaged or broken so I’ll wait to put it up in the new digs.

A caveat: you see where it says “poems” on that award? Never gonna happen. I haven’t written a poem since my teenage angst phase and no force on heaven or earth would convince me to let any of those see the light of day. It makes me shudder to think of it.

There are rules for the award, of course:

  1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
  2. Share 7 things about yourself.
  3. Pass the award along to 15 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic.

I have thanked them all, but here is a basket of virtual muffins because I am a very generous person.

It seems appropriate that the seven things have a theme, so I have chosen this:

The Seven Ways I Am a Ninja
  • I am The Folding Ninja. My towels are perfectly square, my stack of pillowcases never tips over, and my family’s underwear and t-shirt drawers look like the ones you’d find in a model home if they put clothes in the drawers in model homes which I don’t think they do but they should and they could totally hire me to arrange them. Also? I can’t tell top sheets from bottom sheets after I fold them. Brian bestowed upon me an honorary Ph.D. in Folding Sciences, which was obviously an extraordinary day that I will never forget.
  • I am The Bullshit Ninja, which I would be more proud of it weren’t so very common. Every person who had a 3.5 GPA or better as an undergraduate and majored in one of the social sciences, communications and journalism, English literature, or anything similar is, by definition, a Bullshit Ninja. (Oh, please. There are no exceptions and you know it. And anyway, bullshit skills are WAY more useful in life than knowing all about surplus transfer and the birth of capitalism, so it’s not like the time was wasted or anything.)
  • I am The Crock-Pot Ninja. It’s no big secret that I hate to cook. It’s not something I dislike or something that I don’t especially enjoy, but something I hate. Could it possibly be any more boring, standing around in the kitchen stirring, simmering, chopping, blah blah blah? No, it could not. The Crock-Pot, though, makes it all a little more bearable. Shove in some meat, jam some veggies or beans on top, pour in some water and seasonings, and 8 hours later there’s a meal that doesn’t make anyone vomit. Hooray!
  • I am The Sympathy Ninja. OK, this is one that actually matters and is, in fact, one of my favorite things about myself: Struggling with angst, anxiety, grief, or any of the other painful feelings that are, unfortunately, a part of life? I will listen, make all the right sympathetic noises, and most of all, I will actually give a shit. Also? No advice unless you want some, and maybe not even then.
  • I am The Nap Ninja, which is where the whole “Adrienne is a ninja” thing started. Years ago (75 or 80, at least), when I was very young and teaching preschool, I was known as the one teacher who could get any group of kids to take their naps. Eventually, I taught workshops and trained other teachers and I always loved the nickname, Nap Ninja. Then Carter came along and blew apart all my nap cred, but I am now reclaiming my status because really? He’s just one kid among hundreds.
  • I am The Appliance Repair Ninja. I have repaired washing machines, dryers, a refrigerator, a water heater, two evaporative coolers, garbage disposals, vacuum cleaners, and a treadmill. When I am engaged in appliance repair there is abundant vehement cussing which does not in any way reduce my status as The Appliance Repair Ninja because when I am done? The damn thing works.
  • I am The Deciding Ninja. You know how annoying it is when you’re part of a group of people who are trying to make a collective decision? Someone says, “Hey, let’s go to dinner!” And someone else says, “Good idea! Where should we go?” The first person says, “I don’t know. What sounds good to everyone?” And then there are a dozen exchanges about how nobody cares because no one wants to be the one who chooses a restaurant that someone else doesn’t like, or people are afraid of seeming bossy, or something. You know how that goes? That annoys me so much that the annoyance itself crawls right up my spine and into my skull and niggles there like a nest of noisy baby birds. I’m the one who says, “Great! Let’s all go to XYZ Restaurant. Meet you there!” Then I get in my car and drive away and there’s really nothing to do but follow me. I’m pretty sure there are a few people who hate me for this, but more people are probably secretly relieved, so it’s a wash.

Now I’m supposed to award the award to 15 other award-worthy bloggers. I’m going to focus on blogs by parents raising children with mental illness. Please support these bloggers! They are living challenging lives, raising their kids with behavioral and emotional differences and some words of love and support will mean a lot. The envelope please…

Long Summer

I got this blog award AGAIN! I’m quadruple awesome! Go visit Brandee at Chill Mama Chill to help her out. No, seriously. She’s apparently living in fear of the zombie apocalypse. That’s silly because obviously the vampires will come first and kill us all before the zombies even get started.

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17 comments to Blogger Ninja

  • kris

    I love all of your Ninja skills, but my favorite?

    The Deciding Ninja! I am also a Deciding Ninja!

    Where do you want to go to lunch? I don't know, where do you want to go? John doesn't like Mexican, but there's that one place I like. Or we could make sandwiches and have a picnic. What do you think the kids want to do? What's the name of the place we saw that one time when we were driving to the thing? Where we were going to stop sometime? Remember? I'm not sure I'm hungry for Mexican. We should go somewhere where we can sit outside. Oh, but I didn't bring a sweater. Bob, where do you want to eat? I don't care. Where do you want to eat?

    ME: Alright! That's it! Everybody get in your cars and meet us at Olive Garden in exactly 20 minutes.

    THEM: She is so bossy! But we do like Olive Garden.

  • kris

    Also? Congratulations on your award!

    And? I am glad you are finally feeling a little better.

  • Taz's Mama

    oooh….thanks for giving me an award! i've never gotten a blog award before! now i have to think of 7 things about myself. i don't know if i can put them in a theme though. oh, and i'm totally a nap ninja too.

  • Nichole

    Have I mentioned that I adore you?
    This list is awesome.

    What are my take-aways from this post?

    1) I too am a Bullshit Ninja. My question for you, however, is what does it make me if I went on and obtained the M.A. in Literature? Is there something more badass than Bullshit Ninja?

    2) My fear of birds is now off the charts. Seriously…"the annoyance itself crawls right up my spine and into my skull and niggles there like a nest of noisy baby birds"?! Insane imagery!

    3)You are also Mom Ninja if you made all of Carter's food, considering how much you detest cooking.

    It is truly always a pleasure to read your writing. 🙂

    Congrats on the award, thrice over!

  • Genina

    ha! You're hilarious, and I'm not gonna lie.. I had some anxiety about my clothing mess at home, the t-shirts crammed into the corners of my dresser are suddenly screaming at me. I've now added another thing to do on my chores list for later: channel your inner folding ninja!

    You and I would get along just fine – you're everything I'm not and vice versa – I love to cook, I can't fix anything, I can never EVER decide where to go, I cannot nap for the life of me (my fiance on the other hand naps every day) and I'm not a good bullshitter! we are however both good at the sympathy thing – and I thank you for being there for me the other day when that woman tore me a new asshole… I appreciated it, you're so thoughtful and Kind. Wish we lived closer so I could come over and drink with you for 8 hours while we wait for the crock-pot meal to cook itself. 🙂 (let it be known that although i love to cook, i'd rather sit and chat the night away)

    Also, thanks for the muffins, how very thoughtful of you!!

    xoxo
    Genina

  • Melody

    Congratulations on your award. And thank you sweetly for including me in your sharing. I often "read and run" at your blog (you so understand the life of a mom with a bipolar son), but want you to know I value having found you.

    I have to be out of town for a few…my 12 yo son is competing in our State's Special Olympics summer games this weekend. Gotta cheer, photograph and video. 🙂 I will pass the award along asap.

  • Marian

    congrats on your award! well deserved. i am SO a deciding ninja too! so refreshing in a sea of indecision and ambivalence! and seriously, i need some help with my crock pot anxiety. i know my crock pot could really help me, but i have no idea what to put in it. help! can you make food without meat in a crock pot? can you?

  • guiltysquid

    Wow. I never knew Ninjas could be so versatile. Which is probably because they are ninjas. The are all sneaky and stealth like that.

  • Adrienne

    Awww, thanks all! It's fun to write the funny posts where no one is raging or suicidal.

    Marian – yes, you can! In fact, I think I have a cookbook of vegetarian slow-cooker recipes. I'm sure Chef Google will help.

    Taz's Mama – I invented the theme thing. Do whatever in the world makes you smile. You so, so deserve to smile!

  • Alex @LateEnough

    Great word: putrefaction

    And I'm the Toilet Repairing Ninja. Between the two of us, we could make BANK.

  • andygirl

    Yay! That means I'm a bullshit ninja too. I feel awesome.

  • Heidi - D

    YOU crack me up! Congrats on the Ninja award… Sounds well deserved! You have SKILLS!

  • LCW

    Love it, and I too, pride myself in folding towels and other linens. I'm a laundry nut. And I'm sorry you hate cooking as much as you do; I've learned to like it, but I agree that the crockpot is the way to go.

  • CaneWife

    Love the ninja rundown!

    And I'm glad you're feeling a little better, too.

  • shaunadnauseam

    First, congrats on your spiffy award! She's a beut!

    Second; apparently I must be the un-ninja.. or anti-ninja or something. I must say that I completely suck at almost all of the above. Okay, except the sympathy thing.. oh, and I'm also a world class bullshitter and sometimes repair woman –as long as I have a manual. I'm no freaking Macgyver.

    But, folding? What's that…? I think I was into origami for about 2 days and I'm pretty sure I was high the entire time. I never did finish that bloody grasshopper. My idea of folding a fitted sheet is pushing it into a ball then kind of karate chopping it into some semblance of a square. It then goes to the bottom of the pile so that the weight of the other sheets disguises it's lumpy misshapen mess.

    Cooking.. I bow to your crockpot skills. I have yet to use the one I bought during a fit of crazed ambition. Decisions? I am one of the most indecisive people you'd want to meet. Glad to know that I'll never have to choose where we're going if you, Pat and I ever go out to dinner. Oh, and finally napping.. big time insomniac here. I suck ass at sleeping of all sorts.

    So awesome to have met you, my ninja friend.

  • Meg @ RaisingBipolar

    Thanks Adrienne!!

  • […] I fixed both computers. That’s because I’m a ninja. […]

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