This post will have more than the usual cursing and carrying on and even some of the dirty which, DUH, no one talks about Shemar Moore without some (or a lot) of the dirty. You have been warned. If you don’t want to enjoy the tingle that comes with thoughts of the fine hunk of manly-wonderfulness that is Shemar Moore, I invite you to click on over here, where there is nothing that has anything to do with Shemar Moore. There is also no cursing, so that might be a good thing, depending on your perspective.
No, seriously. I got a little carried away. If I see a nosedive in my subscriber numbers tomorrow, I’ll know that you weren’t paying attention. People with heart conditions, those who are prone to fainting, and decent people everywhere should exit immediately. This is a potty-mouth-post, and there are goats. And there is a great deal of discussion of Shemar Moore and how much I would like to bite him.
If you have a healthy heart, are not prone to fainting, and are a little bit indecent yourself, please feel free to continue reading about Shemar Moore.
Oh, I know! I wrote a guest post today over at Sluiter Nation. There’s nothing dirty in it, so go over and read that instead! Sadly, that post is entirely devoid of discussion about Shemar Moore, but I think it’s a good one, anyway, all about starting school and such.
Still undeterred? Think you can handle it? Then let’s carry on…
Last night Brian and I were flipping channels and came across one of those shows where they talk about celebrities. I don’t really understand those shows because I don’t need to know if a person pays her taxes or screws around on his wife in order to enjoy a movie/TV show/album/book that said person created, but whatever.
On this show they were not, sadly, discussing anything to do with Shemar Moore, star of the excellent CBS show Criminal Minds. If those entertainment shows were not called things like Hollywood Tonight or whatever they’re called and were, instead, called Shemar Moore’s Beauty Blazes With the Heat of 10,000 Suns or Shemar Moore Is the Only Living Example of Male Physical Perfection and He Is Also a Kind, Generous, and Intelligent Person Who Pays His Taxes and Never Kicks Puppies, then I might consider watching them.
But they’re not called that, any of them, so we don’t watch, but in this case? We paused for a moment. On the show, they were talking about Ashton Kutcher and how one of the tabloids said he was cheating on his wife.
OK, first? They called Ashton and Demi a May/December romance. What the fuck is up with that? More like May/August if you ask me. I’m no fan of Demi Moore (or maybe I am; is she in any way related to Shemar Moore?), but calling her a December means that I’ve already cruised right through middle age and am now on the cusp of elderly.
Sheesh.
Anyway, Brian asked me, “If we were famous and the tabloids said I was cheating on you, would you wonder if it was true?”
And me? I was all, “No, never! I’ve never worried about you cheating on me, but I would totally mess with the tabloid people. They’d be interviewing me and I’d be all, ‘Oh, yeah! Brian? He’s a wild man! Porking this and bonking that and WHOA! I’m always telling him to slow down, but NO, it’s all this, all the time!” at which point I started thrusting my hips forward in a wildly exaggerated and pornographically cartoonish manner.
Brian laughed until he was gasping and knocked himself right off the bed with the hilarity of it all. “Yeah, well,” he said, when he could breathe, “I don’t think I could find that many willing partners. It’s not like people are falling all over me like they do to Shemar Moore, you know! I mean, sure, I’m a great looking guy. Brutally handsome, in fact, but Shemar Moore is the perfect example of delicious male fabulosity.”
I’m paraphrasing.
So I thought for a minute, because really, who hasn’t dreamed about pranking the fuck out of those ridiculous tabloids? “I’ll tell them you’re a goat fucker! When we’re famous, I’ll keep a herd of goats in the backyard and after I finish with the hip-thrusting bit, I’ll tell them, ‘I can’t keep that man out of the damn goat pen out back. Yup, quite the goat fucker.’”
Which, let’s face it, I’m pretty sure that if the tabloids accused Shemar Moore of being a cheater, his wife wouldn’t seize the opportunity to tell the world that he can’t keep his pants on, or worse, that Shemar Moore is a goat fucker. That’s sad because I’m having a hard time remembering the last time I saw my husband laugh so hard and really, I’d love to see the tabloid reporters shuffle their feet and try to figure out if I’m for real.
That probably wouldn’t happen because since when do the tabloids need anything to be real? Next time I went to the grocery, it would be right there in my face at the checkout stand:
Brian Jones Is a Goat Fucker!
Wife Maintains His Goat Herd; Neighbors Claim She Taunts the Goats Regularly
Because people? If I had a goat herd, taunting them would SO be my hobby. I can’t think of one single thing about goats that isn’t funny and worthy of a sound mocking.
By the way, I’m pretty sure that Shemar Moore is not, in fact, a goat fucker.
But even if he is, I don’t care. You know what I will do if I am ever in the presence of the beautiful Shemar Moore? I will bite him. I will try to help myself, but I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to do that. I want to bite Shemar Moore.
MEOW!
Hey, what the heck is going on here? Why, we’re pranking the internet, of course! Think of it as Fun With SEO, which is fun enough, but I funner-ed it by adding sex. And biting. And Shemar Moore. And also goats. I don’t usually meme-up, but this one seemed so right. Shemar Moore (beautiful, brilliant, charming Shemar Moore), you’ve just been John C. Mayered!
I’m so glad Shemar Moore will get bitten by you. That’ll be hot. But not as hot as John C. Mayer thinks he is!
John C. Mayer is about as hot as wilted daisies compared to Shemar Moore!
This was great! I laughed out loud picturing your husband falling out of bed laughing! Thanks!
De nada!
Dude, I am totally proud that you John C. Mayer-d Shemar Moore. Also: Pulling a John C. Mayer is now in the URBAN FUCKING DICTIONARY.
That is AWESOME. Pulling a John C. Mayer totally deserves a place in the urban dictionary!
Kind of like I deserve the chance to bite Shemar Moore…
this whole meme is hilarious. and shemar moore? is hot. meow.
Katie recently posted..Back to School Bonanza Guest Post 4- Adrienne
Oh, I know! Yummy, right?
Two phrases guaranteed to need excising from my mind now. “Shemar Moore” and “goat-fucker.”
Goat fucker. Teehee!
Barnmaven recently posted..I guess Im not done talking about this Newt Gingrich sucks Hard
Oooh…instead of an excision, let’s have an exorcism!
That sounds way fun. We’ll probably need to sacrifice a goat.
Oh sweet Jesus, I think I just died and went to heaven. Mmmm… Shemar ♥
Mmmm…agreed. He is the yummiest!
I have no idea what I just read but I am now smiling dreamily and thinking about Shemar Moore!! I actually went “oooooo” out loud when I saw you were writing about that gorgeous hunk of man! And then you made me howl with the goats!! How do you come up with this stuff??
Thanks for the laugh, and especially the man candy!!
Bahaha!!! Best comment of the day…”I have no idea what I just read…” Awesome!
I could never come up with this stuff if not for my husband. We are a VERY bad influence on each other, and it’s WAY fun!
OK, how much do I love that you are doing this pranking thing?
Although Shemar Moore? Too clean and perfect.
He needs to get out there with the goats a bit. Get down in the mud. Let the goats mess him up a bit.
And then?
Yum.
Snort!
Too clean and perfect?!? Oh, no, I don’t think so! Those are fancy studio shots; they cleaned him all up for those. You can see it in his eyes, though. Shemar Moore is a dirty, dirty boy.
Yup. Shemar Moore likes it rough. Hence the biting.
I would lick him from the top of his head all the way down to his perfect buttocks.
And the goats are hilarious! I actually just finished a page in my Revenge Sketchbook called “random goat.” True story: I tried to rent a goat once and they told me I had to sign a contract saying I wouldn’t molest it.
Cyndi recently posted..maximum redundancy
NO! That is WAY too awesome. The contract, but also? Why the hell were you renting a goat?
I need to know.
Shemar Moore is such a great guy to John C. Mayer.
As he is beyond hot.
Though I think my choice, David Hyde Pierce, is equally as hot.
Don’t ya think?
David Hyde Pierce? Seriously? There’s just nothing dangerous about him! He’s not a man to bite; he’s a man with whom one could enjoy a nice cup of tea.
Unlike Shemar Moore, who is all about the biting.
Loved it. Love Sherman. Love the goats. So absolutely correct. . .nothing better than taunting goats. And now, you’ve inspired me to finally finish my John C Mayer.
Snort. SHERMAN?
Yes, I’m sure that Sherman Moore is awesome, but it is Shemar Moore that I would like very much to bite!
I would imagine that if you contacted John C. Mayer, he would make arrangements for Shemar Moore to arrive at your house riding a goat. Oh……wait…….you aren’t thinking……I meant riding like a horse….not….ewww.
patrick recently posted..I Don’t Have My New Twitter I Blame Ben Folds
Bahahahaha!!! Yes, I bet that John C. Mayer would hook me up with Shemar Moore and a goat. Yup, pretty sure that would happen.
Now that Shemar Moore is a pretty, pretty man. Nice.
Suniverse recently posted..Serious topic- ridiculous topic- dont forget
Shemar Moore is NICE?!? No, my dear, he is the personification of Da Vinci’s David.
I usually recommend starting with licking and THEN the biting, but … I think you may have this one covered, girl!
Go get em, Goat Mocker!
Better a goat mocker than a goat fucker, right?
Yes, licking Shemar Moore? That would be fun, too!
Shemar Moore Shemar Moore Shemar Moore Shemar Moore. Does any ‘moore’ need to be said?
Yeah, OK, that was a really really bad joke. Sorry.
TheBeerLady recently posted..Gordon Ramsay- youve been John C Mayerd
Bad joke, but so true: the words Shemar Moore are really all we need to say!
I really don’t have anything to add to this conversation, just wanted to say hello. And you should warn perimenopausal women like me to make a pit stop BEFORE reading so we dont pee our pants.
Varda (squashedmom) recently posted..Wordless Wednesday- Grandmothers at Rosh Hashana
Oh, I KNOW! How often have I said that I should really just keep a thick fluffy towel in the seat of my desk chair? Old + 3 babies + funny = trouble!
Shemar Moore has deliciously nommable arms.
John C. Mayer does not.
<3 the second tag – I about cried I was laughing so hard.
Oh, yes, everything on Shemar Moore is more nommable than it is on John C. Mayer.
I have no desire to bite John C. Mayer. At all.
That first picture? In the blue V-neck? Has been posted on my cube for months as the first addition to my “Wall of Hotties.” My coworkers have now joined in and fucked it all up with their gross infatuations but Shemar Moore will always be my number 1. And my boyfriend? Totally reminds me of the wonderful Shemar Moore. The bald head. The bulging biceps. The smooth voice. I am one REALLY lucky girl!
Saucy recently posted..I am 30 Years Old!!!!!
Oh, MAN! The man who shares your bed resembles Shemar Moore? I might have to build a shrine to you now.
I want to bite Dierks Bentley. His voice makes my panties wet. But Shamar Moore is a close second.
Alright, I had to Google him, and I have to agree: Dierks Bentley is definitely nommable. Not as nommable as Shemar Moore, but nommable nevertheless!
oooh, the biting.. yes, please.
meredith recently posted..In which I end my terribly scheduled week unearthing an old piece I’ve never shared before
See, now you? I KNEW you would understand!
Right now? I’m watching Criminal Minds (seriously). Shemar Moore? Is not only yummy, but funny. And his character flirts with Garcia. I like Garcia. Bonus points. And tattoos?? Double bonus for this closet metal momma. Mmmm!
Great post!
WTH am I Doing recently posted..Friday Flipoffs
Yes! See? He’s pretty much perfect – sweet, beautiful, funny, smart a flirt, inked, and not a kicker of puppies or a fucker of goats!
Shemar Moore is near perfection, I think.
Yeah, Shemar Moore is smoking hot. I pulled a John C Mayer on Adam M. Lambert!
Rebecca recently posted..Oh My Lovies
Oh hell yeah! Shemar is a nice, hot piece of man meat. I’d hop on that and bang it like a Salvation Army drum!!
Holly B recently posted..Google Brings All The Freaks To My Yard
I have never considered Shemar Moore, but, girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, you changed all that! He is quite beautiful. You know he was just the cutest little boy on earth back in the day. Your post made me laugh! I especially laughed at the part where you described your dance moves.
Kelley recently posted..I have a Chinese clone Need one
I am all graceful with my exaggerated pornographic hip thrusts! I’m sure Shemar Moore would approve.
I love this site. It is wonderful having so many wonderful folks around who love Shemar Moore as much as I do. He is so fucking hot! I want to bite him repeatedly.
He’s hot. I like the second pic.
http://www.pampersandpinot.com
You have to leave a message for a post where the blogger has a disclaimer as long as yours was. And when it warns you against all of the indecent language, you’re even more obligated. I’ll be back because I need to know just how outrageous you can get!
grownupforeal
Bahahaha! Too funny. In reality? Not especially outrageous, but when I curse or joke I lose followers. I guess people expect serious from me, but I’m me, not the same every day!
Pranking the Internet or not, Shemar Moore is delicious. End of story.
Halala Mama recently posted..The Bats of Fall
LOL Love this meme. Love Shemar Moore as well. Mmm.
Kmama recently posted..I Heart Faces- Smirk
Truthfully, I did not know who Shemar Moore was. (I live under a rock.) But I feel so educated now that I know who Shemar Moore is. Shemar Moore is hot-freakin-delicious. I totally can see why you would want to bite Shemar Moore. Shemar Moore = YUM.
Shemar Moore, you have just been John C. Mayer’d!
1. You sometimes make me laugh so hard I can’t breathe.
2. I could have written this post. However, mine would read “I Love My Husband,but I Would Throw Him Under a Bus for Thomas Gibson.”
Emily recently posted..The Art of Introspection- Creating a Mandala
Oh, breathless laughter is the best kind! Thanks!
FUCK! I clicked the link and now I want a bunny
He is hot!!!!!!!!!!! HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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