People who equate truth with fact are missing the point.

Loot

My rampage of over-thorough household organization continues, and finally, the kitchen is finished. During my quest to quell every last whisk’s desire for anarchy and every saucepan’s tendency toward insubordination, I found this:

So me? I was all excited, like so: Ooooh, I can make something! It will be vegetables that have never been frozen and they will be healthy! I will get an award from Better Than the Average Mother Magazine for feeding my family exceptionally wonderful, expertly chopped vegetables!

I may have a tendency to give myself a little too much credit for some very ordinary things.

Ahem.

This chopping thing was bestowed upon me months ago by my grandma, who handed it to me and said, “I want you to have this so don’t forget it when you leave.” She’s sentimental like that.

I had my veggies all washed and peeled and ready to go when I opened the box, which is where I found this:

First? This thing is for shit when it comes to dicing carrots. Second? It smells like Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobby stayed up all night drinking each other under the table, then barfed under the sofa cushions.

I had to cut up all those vegetables with a knife. It was like the olden days or something and required three band-aids and half a tube of antibiotic ointment.

When I finally finished the kitchen, I moved on to my office. Today was Clean the File Drawers Day. Someday, when I am Queen and Ultimate Ruler of the Universe, I will declare Clean the File Drawers Day an international holiday because we all deserve a day off to grieve when we review our tax records and discover that our real household income hasn’t improved appreciably in the past decade.

But there were some happy discoveries, too. The sweetest one was this, a note from Abbie when she was five years old:

I’m all melty on the inside over this. “Dear Mom you r bdfl.” Or, for those not adept at translating inventive spelling, “Dear Mom, you are beautiful.”

Oh, the bittersweetness of that!

And finally, this little gem, courtesy of my great uncle Don* by way of my grandma who never met a piece of paper that wasn’t worth saving. First, the picture, which appeared in the Newton Kansan in 1978:

Don (or Detective Harrold, as he was known back in the day) is inventorying some of the loot that police had recently recovered following several residential break-ins.

First, we all need to take a moment to observe and admire Don’s stylin’ threads.

Second, I’m digging all those stolen electronics, none of which can even be found in thrift stores anymore. I kind of miss owning things with dials.

Also, what kind of thief steals luggage?

And finally, there is a snippet under the picture that offers a list of all that was stolen and subsequently recovered:

  • a stereo component system and speakers
  • two television sets
  • a desk lamp
  • a calculator
  • tape measures
  • tools
  • electric drills
  • cigarettes
  • candy
  • gum
  • pastries
  • lunch meat

To which I can say nothing but WTF? They stole lunch meat but not bread?

*Don reads NPS. Please wave hello to him before you leave!

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13 comments to Loot

  • Oh, hi Don!

    I can’t believe the pastries were recovered!!! I would not have been able to set those aside!

    This is exactly the type of post I needed before logging off.

    I love how precisely you write. no. matter. what.
    I just wanted you to know I love that about you!

  • lelisa13p

    Loved this. Doubtless I have old boxes like that, decades old gifties from elderly relatives, stashed away in a hurry when cleaning up the Christmas mess. Do you think Grandma knew that sneaky item was hiding in there? Hope she hasn’t been looking for it to freshen up the homestead. LOVED the Love Note. So. Much. Wonderful signature!

    Hi, Don! Taking the ill-gotten booty back from the criminals. Well done.

    Now I think I feel bad about how much I need to purge the closets & cabinets at my house. *grin*

  • **waves hello to Don**

    😉

  • Hi, Don! Love the plaid jacket, very 1978.

    There is so much to love in this post. I love rambly ruminations full of gems and that’s what this is.

    The faces in Abbie’s signature are priceless. I could so smell that gag inducing fake strawberry sweetness. And I swear my family had that exact radio in our kitchen for years.

    Sigh. Thanks for a lovely Saturday morning’s reading.

  • OH my goodness. I’m sorry that Holly Hobby and Strawberry Shortcake barfed under your couch cushions…but oh my that was funny to me!!

  • I will have you know that I use the chopper dicer daily.

    NO LIE.

    I am disappointed you are not giving it away as a giveaway to your readers this Sweetest Day.

    Sorely disappointed.

    The thing kicks ass when making ladyfinger cucumber sandwiches with boursin.

  • Oh, I love Abbie’s smiley-face signature. See, there can be payoff when you keep stuff. Not in any way justifying my own packratitis with this comment, nope, not me. Hi Don! Love the threads 🙂

  • Man I was hooping for a review of the chopping thingy, I have been wanting to get one. Damn, it was foiled by a night of children cartoons drinking together. also I love that they stole a tap measure.

  • Hi Don! Love that this picture was taken the year I was born.

    He he he.

    Also? The things I could blog about finding. Because really? I tend to save really dumb stuff.

  • First, WAY too much ability to visualize that scene with Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobbie. But…wait…what’s the olfactory equivalent of visualize? Smelliarize?

    Regardless, that was way too easy. Ick.

    And B, desk lamps and tape measure? Were they interior decorators gone bad?

  • Ant Judy

    Consider the knifd a genuine LHOTP moment and enjoy

  • Hey, you!

    Love the artwork.

    And the mom translation.

    Happy sighs.

  • thenextmartha

    Dammit. I thought you were doing a giveaway for that air freshener. Hmph. Hi Don!

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