People who equate truth with fact are missing the point.


My rampage of over-thorough household organization continues, and finally, the kitchen is finished. During my quest to quell every last whisk’s desire for anarchy and every saucepan’s tendency toward insubordination, I found this:

So me? I was all excited, like so: Ooooh, I can make something! It will be vegetables that have never been frozen and they will be healthy! I will get an award from Better Than the Average Mother Magazine for feeding my family exceptionally wonderful, expertly chopped vegetables!

I may have a tendency to give myself a little too much credit for some very ordinary things.


This chopping thing was bestowed upon me months ago by my grandma, who handed it to me and said, “I want you to have this so don’t forget it when you leave.” She’s sentimental like that.

I had my veggies all washed and peeled and ready to go when I opened the box, which is where I found this:

First? This thing is for shit when it comes to dicing carrots. Second? It smells like Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobby stayed up all night drinking each other under the table, then barfed under the sofa cushions.

I had to cut up all those vegetables with a knife. It was like the olden days or something and required three band-aids and half a tube of antibiotic ointment.

When I finally finished the kitchen, I moved on to my office. Today was Clean the File Drawers Day. Someday, when I am Queen and Ultimate Ruler of the Universe, I will declare Clean the File Drawers Day an international holiday because we all deserve a day off to grieve when we review our tax records and discover that our real household income hasn’t improved appreciably in the past decade.

But there were some happy discoveries, too. The sweetest one was this, a note from Abbie when she was five years old:

I’m all melty on the inside over this. “Dear Mom you r bdfl.” Or, for those not adept at translating inventive spelling, “Dear Mom, you are beautiful.”

Oh, the bittersweetness of that!

And finally, this little gem, courtesy of my great uncle Don* by way of my grandma who never met a piece of paper that wasn’t worth saving. First, the picture, which appeared in the Newton Kansan in 1978:

Don (or Detective Harrold, as he was known back in the day) is inventorying some of the loot that police had recently recovered following several residential break-ins.

First, we all need to take a moment to observe and admire Don’s stylin’ threads.

Second, I’m digging all those stolen electronics, none of which can even be found in thrift stores anymore. I kind of miss owning things with dials.

Also, what kind of thief steals luggage?

And finally, there is a snippet under the picture that offers a list of all that was stolen and subsequently recovered:

  • a stereo component system and speakers
  • two television sets
  • a desk lamp
  • a calculator
  • tape measures
  • tools
  • electric drills
  • cigarettes
  • candy
  • gum
  • pastries
  • lunch meat

To which I can say nothing but WTF? They stole lunch meat but not bread?

*Don reads NPS. Please wave hello to him before you leave!

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