A brief list of some of the most controversial issues in the US:
Socialism.
Abortion.
Terrorism.
Gun control.
Racism.
Same-sex marriage.
Motherhood.
Yes, motherhood.
My friends, we’ve been played, duped into participating in a pretend conversation that feels very important.
When Amy Chua‘s new book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother was excerpted at The Wall Street Journal on January 8, the blogosphere exploded. Agreement, dissension, discussion, and rebuttal after rebuttal after rebuttal until I thought I’d be happiest if I never heard Amy Chua‘s name again in my life.
Which is more important for children, strict discipline or freedom? What do they need more to grow up strong and successful: rigidity or flexibility, firmness or gentleness?
We’re doing nothing but fussing around the edges. While we argue about whether or not kids should be allowed to go on play dates or choose to play any musical instrument they wish, millions of kids have no consistent, loving adult presence in their lives.
The conversation feels important. It has to, because we feel an obligation to children. We need to have the sense that we are grappling with the tough issues, but we’re not even touching them.
Do I approve of the way Amy Chua is raising her daughters? No, I don’t. She doesn’t approve of the way I’m raising my kids, either, so we’re even on that score.
Virtually every parenting debate in which we engage exists only on the surface, for us privileged few who have choices. I acknowledge the fear that drives some parents to push their children very hard. However, if I compare the amount of press that problem gets to the amount devoted to issues of family violence, poverty, and serious shortages of good health care and education, the equation comes back very unbalanced.
We fight, fight, fight, and over what? Issues of personal choice.
If we’re occupied with these arguments, we’re ignoring a whole lot of shit that really matters.
If we’re arguing the SAHM/WOHM debate, who is pushing for better daycare? Subsidized care? More available care? Specialized care for special needs children? Subsidies for parents who want to stay home? More flexible working conditions? Benefits for part-time workers? Take-your-child to work situations? On-site childcare?
If we’re debating about breast or bottle, who is working to make breastfeeding support more available and culturally relevant for every family? Who is taking care of the mothers who have no one to help them? Who is pushing employers to make it easier for mothers at all levels of employment to nurse their babies or pump while they work? Who is helping the women who need it with feeding issues?
When we fight about where babies should sleep, we aren’t working for economic justice so that all families have clean, safe housing. We aren’t fighting on behalf of millions of children languishing in foster care and group homes without families to call their own. Instead of supporting each other, we’ve created an environment in which mothers are afraid to ask for help because everyone has an agenda to push.
While we argue about the best ways to discipline our own kids, who is lobbying the government for better protections for abused children? For better education for all our kids? More support for parents who are overwhelmed and afraid?
I’ll tell you exactly what kids need. They need consistent discipline that is delivered in a firm, gentle way. They need to know that they are loved. They need to live in a home where they are safe, with parents or other adult caregivers whom they trust to protect them and meet their needs. They need full bellies, warm beds, and good educations.
All the rest is window dressing.
We don’t have to fuss around the edges and invent arguments. There are too many kids in the world who need all this energy that we’ve devoted to arguing about Amy Chua (and Ayelet Waldman before her and dozens of other people and issues before that).
Imagine for a moment that all the millions of words that have been written about Amy Chua in the past few weeks had been written, instead, about any other issue that affects kids.
What could we have accomplished?
Amen, sister.
Love you HARD woman.
Love you harder, MIFG.
Let me know when you figure out what that means. 😉
Holy cow, how perfect.
I got wrapped up in feeling like people were missing the point, but in the wrong direction. I didn’t get why people were so insistent that she was a child abuser or horrible mother. I got more frustrated when I learned how far from the book the WSJ excerpt was. I totally missed the point too.
Your point feels like the Erica Jong article about attachment parenting (of which I am not particularly fond) which suggested that parents became obsessed over small controllable details as a defense mechanism to rationalize abandoning that larger details. And I think this is the same thing.
We’re so easily distracted by the surface arguments because we don’t want to deal with the deeper issues underneath.
Exactly. Whether or not Amy Chua is an abusive mother is not important. I mean, obviously it is for her kids and the rest of her family, but not for US, the reading public.
We do love a good high horse to climb onto, don’t we? Self-righteous anger makes the internet go round and round!
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Martha Replacement and Lori O., Adrienne Jones. Adrienne Jones said: Amy Chua is nothing but a distraction. http://su.pr/1X55KO […]
I could not have said that better myself. Think I’ll forward this to a couple of other bloggers …
If I wasn’t at work surfing when I should be working I’d be giving you a standing ovation right now. So here’s my virtual standing ovation.
Clap, Clap Clap
which leads to
Thunderous applause.
Thank you!
It used to take a village to raise a child…and then the village starting pointing fingers at their neighbors. We need to support each other in the knowledge that our friends and family members are doing their best, just like we are.
This is the best response I’ve seen to the entire hoopla. Wow. Just wow.
I found this post via a tweet from OneTiredEma, and then spent a solid hour reading your archives. I feel like I have to comment here to thank you for this post and all the others I just read, but I don’t really know what to say. So I’ll just say that you are a wonderful writer and an amazing mother.
Well said!!
Yes…so well put.
Can I also say that I’m glad Tiger Mom isn’t my Hubs ex-wife ((shudders))…trying to *reason* with her would case me to drinks lots of wine. 🙂
Ps: apparently I already must drink a lot wine, by the “case” it seems. Damn spellcheck….
Adrienne
Standing ovation over here too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am at home sick from work. A job where I get no health care and no sick days. How’s them apples?
That’s why all her hooplah sounded like static to me.
Because I do not get paid for sick days? Tomorrow I will work sick or not. Because if I don’t go in and pretend to be well, I won’t be able to pay my rent. Or buy groceries.
Warm bed and food in his tummy???? That is the issue over here sister!
Someone scream and yell about that for me, because with streph throat I cannot even scream and yell for myself.
Yeah I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself but seriously? I am panicked about this.
Thanks for yelling out for the real battles needing to be fought.
much love for you
that is all
Yes Yes Yes!!
I couldn’t agree more.
***cheering*** your words count!!!
Wow! You have an amazing perspective. I’m in awe!
Excellent, excellent post. Couldn’t agree more.
[…] bloggers exploded over the Amy Chua piece on the superiority of Chinese mothers. Again, the best rebuttal offers us a little perspective on what’s […]
i love when you “take on” the mothering issues. you say it so well that i just find myself nodding along.
We need to support each other in the knowledge that our friends and family members are doing their best, just like we are. Or buy groceries.
Absolutely!! What I was going to say before you said it better than I ever could was, children need both and neither. All children are different. All children require different interventions in learning styles. When we, the human race, teach to the middle we are ignoring the children above and below, the ones that require our best interventions, and the longer we ignore them, the worse it gets for all of us.