People who equate truth with fact are missing the point.

Cursing and Swearing: The Carter Method

All week last week, Carter was home sick with some kind of respiratory nastiness.

The lovely thing about asthma is, as unpleasant as a cold is for anyone, for him it’s compounded. Not only does he get sicker, but he has to get on his nebulizer every four hours around the clock. Also? Steroids.

The steroids are not nearly as unpleasant for him as they are for us. Say it with me: Crabby McCrabberson. Holy crap, but that kid can be such a bitch.

A generous bitch, though, because he was kind enough to share his virus with me. If I could just teach this kid to cover his mouth when he coughs, I’d probably be 50% healthier. My hands are all sad and red from washing them so much last week, trying to avoid getting sick, but that isn’t a lot of help if the kid is going to walk up to me and cough right in my damn face!

Where was I? Oh, yes, Carter was crabby. Seriously, painfully crabby.

Steroids + mood disorder = brain melting unpleasantness.

Not like the kid is a happy-go-lucky sort under the best of circumstances, so when we give him medicine that makes almost any person grouchy, Carter goes right over the top and speaks almost entirely in swear words.

We’re very proud.

It occurs to me that some of you might not know how to curse like a champion, which is really a shame, so here, in collaboration with Carter, I offer you a brief but thorough tutorial.

  1. Forget about parts of speech. Who says ass can’t be an adjective? Mix it up and be creative! That stupid fucker dog is an ass bastard bitch ass!
  2. Don’t be afraid to make up new curse words if none of the standard ones is working for you. Carter is especially fond of freak and freaker, booker, booger, and nut, but feel free to create your own. This bitch ass freaker nut cold better go away soon or I’ll have to kill it!
  3. If you run out of curse words and you’re stumped for new ones, invent some words. Don’t let standard English hold you back. If you can’t even think of a sound to make, just spit.
  4. Keep going! Your swears will have more impact the more words (real and made up) you use. Remember, we’re concerned here with impact; shock value, if you will. Making sense is not a factor, and repetition is recommended. I hate that stupid fucker bitch ass nut freaker dumb ass dog fucker fuck asshole!
  5. Volume! If someone says fuck in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it matter? You want as many people to hear you as possible. Bonus points if you can make people gasp, say tsk tsk tsk, or shake their heads in admonishment. Triple bonus score if a stranger actually scolds you, so really dig in and curse from your belly.
  6. Punctuation matters. Your cursing has more impact if it’s accompanied by a slammed door, feet stomping up or down the stairs, or a few kicks to the wall.

That’s really all you need to know, but remember, practice makes perfect!

Just a few cautions. First, sweet old Grammy might be a little less sweet (might, in fact, suddenly turn very scary) if she gets an earful of cursitude, so maybe reign it in for her. Ditto the school principal. Also, while your parents might get very tired of getting you to tone down your language, they probably won’t let go of their “don’t hit, kick, punch, or otherwise hurt any people or pets” rules. Keep this in mind when you’re working on your punctuation repertoire.

We’ve petitioned the International Olympic Committee and hope that Cursing and Swearing will be an official sport by 2016, so get to practicing! I’d hate to see any of you left behind, and we do expect The Carter Method to take center stage at the games.

Did I mention that we’re very proud?

So very proud.


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12 comments to Cursing and Swearing: The Carter Method

  • Sigh, indeed.

    I dreamed last night that you had blogged. I woke this morning to find it true. Apparently, I’m psychic, but in my dream I think you wrote something about caring for the aged. I have no idea why.

  • I HATE when they needs steroids! Wishing you peace and Carter health.

  • I am so glad that somehow you have been able to find the humor in this. In December, over the break, Jake had croup for the first time since he was little. He was on steroids just for 3 days, but MAN, did that make him cranky! I had no idea this was going to happen, didn’t remember this reaction from the last time. Then again, Jake was so spacey and out of it at 3 that I think I liked the effect of the steroids on him at that point, they “woke him up.” So sorry you have to go through all this. Hope Carter is off them and things return to “normal” soon!

  • You are f***ing b**** a** hilarious, g**d*****! (Am I doing it right?) I imagine the actual experience was not quite so funny for you but this post is %@#$*&@#! And I mean that in the best possible way.

  • Don’t forget creative application of body parts. “Scrotum hairs!” being a personal favorite.

    I believe I’d get a 9.5 from the Russian judge for that one.

  • I recently wrote an entire post about how hard it is to deal with cold weather and my son’s asthma.

    I hate it so much.

    Ben does not curse, but I do. Mostly out of his ear shot.

    Carter has some excellent new material for me…


  • nina

    Wow! I laughed so hard, reading your recent posts!! Mt gosh! Our sons are VERY similar. My son James is 1 month younger than Carter. It always seems odd to hear what comes out of his mouth. Right before a rage, or during an extra long rumbling stage, James is fluent in potty-mouth. I can’t even repeat what he says. A lot of made up words, or silly words intertwined as well. I think this is because of our futile attempts to replace the potty words with nonsense words. This, of course, was to no avail. (Except that it makes for a comical mix of the two, now that he uses them both together.)

    Sometimes he even tries to be “nice”. Recently, I saw him walking down the hall at school, with his new special ed. teacher. He was obviously taking a break. She was talking, so he told her to be quiet you donkey! When she told him to stop tearing the decorations, hanging in the hallway, he changed it to, “Why don’t you shut up you jackass!!”

    We are definitely in the running for the Gold come 2016!

    Thank you for sharing.

  • Well it can’t possibly beat yours out but my 3 year old recently called me a “Yickhead” and his word of the day appears to be fuck. I really have to stop cursing.

    I hope things get better and I truly hope I at least made you smile. Hugs. I should come by here more often.

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  • Oh, My, God. So, I have a mom that has to use steroids when she catches ANYTHING because she has untreated COPD (emphysema) PLUS she has a serious mood disorder, and has had since before she hatched me. Yeeeesh!
    So she’s been on a steroid since christmas and her reaction is the opposite. She’s loopy, I tell ya. But she says all kinds of inappropriate stuff, and some of it is extremely icky.

    I myself love to swear so it was my pleasure to read the ones your son creates. Though I get that it ought to be no laughing matter, I’m pretty sure from this post that it has given you a reason for mirth, which can’t be all bad.

    Hanging in there with a loved one is brutal, but doing it amidst the adversity you face has to be excruciating. I’m cheering you on.

    karen in Vancouver, Canada

  • Meg

    Oh gosh, steroids make my son insane. Literally. I can’t even imagine trying to overcome the mania they would induce in my son these days. Luckily we have not used them since he was a little guy. Hugs to you and Carter!

  • […] literally. If he runs out of actual things to say, he does nonsense rifs composed mostly of curse words and slang scatological terms. In the bathtub, he sing-songs endlessly I’m gonna poop your ass! I’m gonna fart your […]

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