All week last week, Carter was home sick with some kind of respiratory nastiness.
The lovely thing about asthma is, as unpleasant as a cold is for anyone, for him it’s compounded. Not only does he get sicker, but he has to get on his nebulizer every four hours around the clock. Also? Steroids.
The steroids are not nearly as unpleasant for him as they are for us. Say it with me: Crabby McCrabberson. Holy crap, but that kid can be such a bitch.
A generous bitch, though, because he was kind enough to share his virus with me. If I could just teach this kid to cover his mouth when he coughs, I’d probably be 50% healthier. My hands are all sad and red from washing them so much last week, trying to avoid getting sick, but that isn’t a lot of help if the kid is going to walk up to me and cough right in my damn face!
Where was I? Oh, yes, Carter was crabby. Seriously, painfully crabby.
Steroids + mood disorder = brain melting unpleasantness.
Not like the kid is a happy-go-lucky sort under the best of circumstances, so when we give him medicine that makes almost any person grouchy, Carter goes right over the top and speaks almost entirely in swear words.
We’re very proud.
It occurs to me that some of you might not know how to curse like a champion, which is really a shame, so here, in collaboration with Carter, I offer you a brief but thorough tutorial.
- Forget about parts of speech. Who says ass can’t be an adjective? Mix it up and be creative! That stupid fucker dog is an ass bastard bitch ass!
- Don’t be afraid to make up new curse words if none of the standard ones is working for you. Carter is especially fond of freak and freaker, booker, booger, and nut, but feel free to create your own. This bitch ass freaker nut cold better go away soon or I’ll have to kill it!
- If you run out of curse words and you’re stumped for new ones, invent some words. Don’t let standard English hold you back. If you can’t even think of a sound to make, just spit.
- Keep going! Your swears will have more impact the more words (real and made up) you use. Remember, we’re concerned here with impact; shock value, if you will. Making sense is not a factor, and repetition is recommended. I hate that stupid fucker bitch ass nut freaker dumb ass dog fucker fuck asshole!
- Volume! If someone says fuck in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it matter? You want as many people to hear you as possible. Bonus points if you can make people gasp, say tsk tsk tsk, or shake their heads in admonishment. Triple bonus score if a stranger actually scolds you, so really dig in and curse from your belly.
- Punctuation matters. Your cursing has more impact if it’s accompanied by a slammed door, feet stomping up or down the stairs, or a few kicks to the wall.
That’s really all you need to know, but remember, practice makes perfect!
Just a few cautions. First, sweet old Grammy might be a little less sweet (might, in fact, suddenly turn very scary) if she gets an earful of cursitude, so maybe reign it in for her. Ditto the school principal. Also, while your parents might get very tired of getting you to tone down your language, they probably won’t let go of their “don’t hit, kick, punch, or otherwise hurt any people or pets” rules. Keep this in mind when you’re working on your punctuation repertoire.
We’ve petitioned the International Olympic Committee and hope that Cursing and Swearing will be an official sport by 2016, so get to practicing! I’d hate to see any of you left behind, and we do expect The Carter Method to take center stage at the games.
Did I mention that we’re very proud?
So very proud.