Devil and the deep blue sea behind me
Vanish in the air you’ll never find me
I will turn your face to alabaster
When you find your servant is your master
When I went to bed on April 1, 1993, I put the pregnancy test under my pillow. The smooth foil wrapper seemed like it might hold something as insignificant as coffee biscuits, a trifle to be enjoyed mid-afternoon, not something to be peed on first thing in the morning.
I woke when the light was barely nudging its way into the apartment. While Robert slept on, blankets pulled tight over his head, I reached under my pillow for the pregnancy test and tiptoed to the bathroom.
Standing next to the sink, my bare feet cold on the tile floor, I ripped and tore at the foil wrapper, first with my hands, then with my teeth, and finally with fingernail clippers. My hands were shaking so hard I had trouble pulling down my underwear. I feared I would drop the test in the toilet; I couldn’t afford another one so I clutched the plastic stick with both hands while I peed on it.
By the time I finished peeing on the test (and on my jitterbugging hands), there were two bright blue lines in the results window.
I washed my still-trembling hands, then brushed my teeth. I flossed. I washed my face and brushed my teeth again. I stared at myself in the mirror for a long time.
When I slipped back into bed next to Robert he asked, “What was it?”
“Positive. I’m pregnant.”
“I thought so,” he said before he turned over to face the wall and went immediately back to sleep.
My stomach rolled over and I felt a weird hungry nausea (or was it a nauseous hunger?) so I got up and made two pans of Rice Krispies treats.
A week later, I was in my parents’ kitchen, having just thrown away my breakfast, thereby skipping the intermediate steps of consuming and then vomiting said breakfast. I had planned to keep the pregnancy a secret until after the wedding so that people wouldn’t think we were getting married just because I was pregnant.
We were not, in fact, getting married just because I was pregnant. We were getting married because we were foolish and young and we didn’t know that the problems in our relationship were not the sort that would improve over time, and because we didn’t know who we were or what we wanted and marriage seemed as good a way to fill the time as any other.
Plus, of course, the hormones.
My mom was at the counter, wiping something, when I decided that I had to tell her because eventually, someone was going to hear me barf, and that someone would be my mom, and she is not a stupid person who would be unclear about what that barfing meant.
“Mom? I have to tell you something.”
She turned from the counter to look at me sitting at the table and she looked normal for a second, like I was going to tell her that my car insurance bill was late and I needed help paying it. Suddenly, before I said a word, her face changed. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”
I nodded.
My mom hollered, “Wendell!”, summoning my dad.
We three sat at the kitchen table in our usual family-conference positions, but what was there, really, to say?
Not much.
I can visualize the whole thing. Wendell!!!
And hear it, right? I can hear it and it’s a little scary.
I love this:
“We were getting married because we were foolish and young and we didn’t know that the problems in our relationship were not the sort that would improve over time, and because we didn’t know who we were or what we wanted and marriage seemed as good a way to fill the time as any other.”
You are a beautiful storyteller.
Alex@LateEnough recently posted..The Road To Extreme Couponing Does Not Have Enough Signs
Thanks, Alex. Man, when I think about that time, I just want to make myself a cup of tea and then give myself a swift kick in the ass, but I guess the path you gotta take is the path you gotta take.
I can relate to this in ways you could never imagine!! miss you my dear friend!
Miss you too, babe! We’ll see you soon, though.
I loved the same paragraph as Alex, especially. It says it very well.
thepsychobabble recently posted..Why Don’t I VLog ANSWERED
Thanks. Amazing how many years it can take to understand a thing.
I triple ditto loving that line everyone else loved. It is insightful and transcendent. As are you. Looking forward to part 3. (tease)
Varda (SquashedMom) recently posted..Dunia
Awww, thanks. Part 3 will not be up so early as part 2 was. I’m headed to bed now with nary a word written, but it was a hard day. Soon!
I AM SO SORRY YOU HAD A HARD DAY. CYBER-HUGS TO YOU. (OK, didn’t mean to shout but caps lock stuck on and too lazy to re-type)
Varda (SquashedMom) recently posted..Dunia
This is a beautiful story. I can’t wait to read more!
karen tsang recently posted..what multicultural really means- 3 generations on
Thanks, Karen!
I am now looking forward to tomorrow and part 3!
Also loving the filling the time line that seems to be the fave choice.
Funny how I never know which words/lines/paragraphs people will like best.
Thanks! Part 3 won’t be up till tomorrow evening or even Thursday morning, but I’ll get it up soon.
thank you for writing more, I’m with ya. one day i will write out my story in sequence like this and the parallels will continue. *HUG*
Frelle recently posted..To Write Love On Her Arms
Holy cow, I can’t believe how long it’s taken for me to start even wanting to tell these stories. Now, specific events have become foggy but feelings and motivations are finally clear.
You are truly an amazing writer. Loved every word. Can’t wait for part III.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Guest Star- Ilana from Mommy Shorts
Thanks, Alison! I’m actually bummed that I’m too tired to write. I’m kind of anxious to get going on the next part. Tomorrow will be here soon enough, esp. if I get my butt in the bed!
I can still hear your mom hollering too… It was those wood floors. Poor lady to be known for hollering. Hugs.
I know, right? And guess what – I sound just like her when I put on the stern-mom voice
I really enjoyed this and cannot wait for Part 3.
John@Copper Repiping Specialist recently posted..Installing a New Bath Tub
Thanks, John!
Another cliffhanger. Love the story, so I’m definitely staying tuned.
Accidental Expert recently posted..Basic Training
Thank you!
[…] The Transcendent Familiar Part 2: Destiny Sold Driving In the Wrong Direction […]
AND I love the police.
and I barfed a lot too. A LOT. as in busting blood vessels a lot.
and I like that i saved time to read all of these in a row instead of having to wait for installments. I am smart sometimes.
Katie recently posted..welcome to vlog talk
[…] Transcendent Familiar 3.1: I Won’t Fade Away By Adrienne, on July 1st, 2011 Part 1 Part 2 Part […]
[…] Transcendent Familiar 5: Down Comes the Night By Adrienne, on August 4th, 2011 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 3.1 (except it’s less of a part and more of an interlude) Part 4 However, maybe […]
[…] Transcendent Familiar 6: Love Is Not a Victory March By Adrienne, on August 9th, 2011 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 3.1 (except it’s less of a part and more of an interlude) Part 4 Part 5 However, […]