The Crystal Ball She Wished She’d Had

I read the comments on an¬†article at ABC News called 5 Disturbing Things We Learned Today About Sandy Hook Shooter Adam Lanza¬†and it’s very clear that most people think that those of us who have loved ones with serious mental illness should a) understand the depth and severity of their illness in all ways, at all times; b) deliver appropriate treatment in all ways and at all times; and c) basically read their minds and use our handy dandy crystal balls (they give us those at diagnosis, you know, so we will always be aware when someone in our family is going to do something unimaginable) to predict all possible behaviors so as to protect others from our “psycho” family members.

Naturally (because we live in the good old USA), we should do this on our own, in the privacy of our homes, with little or no help from our communities.

Good to know.

The consensus seems to be that Nancy Lanza is 100% responsible for what Adam Lanza did and not only did she deserve to die, but we should probably exhume her body and beat the crap out of her regularly. I mean, holy crap, I can Monday morning quarterback like anyone else, and some of Adam’s parents’ mistakes are pretty clear from where I sit (you couldn’t pay me enough to keep a gun in my house). But when you’re *in* a volatile situation, and you’re trying to make everything OK, and you’re trying to live life, and you’ve been to the ER and the doctor and you’ve called the police and you’ve dealt with the system and you’ve been blown off over and over and over again (usually without any hint of kindness) and the school won’t help and they call CPS on you and you know you’re all alone in the world, the fuck do people expect parents to do? I’ve heard it’s not cool to lock volatile and difficult children in the basement so hey, how about we quit flogging this mother and maybe create some solutions? Maybe, I dunno, improve the way we treat families with challenged children? Meet us at the ER with caring and treatment instead of reports to CPS? Stop telling us we caused it with our shitty parenting? Shorten some of those damn waiting lists so when we’re in crisis, we don’t have to wait weeks or months for help? Because this has been a banner week in my Facebook timeline as far as parents begging for treatment for their kids (a day in the ER with no help here, a call to the police who declined to help with a violent child there, three CPS reports, and of course the relentless drumbeat of schools that will NOT follow BIPs and IEPs as they were written) and really, we can’t have it both ways. We can’t vilify these parents AND expect them to make everything OK on their own.

People who feel all-powerful as parents have never been up against shit like this. I promise. With the weight of my own experience and my dozens of friends who are parenting kids with MI, I tell you, we cannot handle this on our own. Please stop asking to do magic.

I have no idea what Adam Lanza needed, and I have no idea if his parents were in some kind of denial about his issues. I have a pretty damn good idea, though, that even they knew what he needed and tried to get it, it didn’t exist.

So hey, crucify Adam Lanza and his parents if that helps you sleep at night, but the fact is that if your brain or that of someone you love goes kerflonk, you might meet our mental health care system up close and personal, and you might find out that it’s not a system at all. You might find out that banging on doors year after year after year makes a person pretty tired, and advocating for someone, no matter how much you love them, can defeat you. I hope you don’t find out, but you might. And then you’ll be stranded here with the rest of us, without crystal balls, without magic wands, without super powers of any kind. You would just be an ordinary person doing the best you can in extraordinary circumstances, and like ordinary people do, you might fuck it up completely.

Because you know what? Flawed, ordinary people screw up, and if there’s no one there to catch your mistake, something terrible could happen. Something so awful, people will flog you after your death. And to think, once upon a time, Nancy Lanza was a young woman in love, and she wanted to have a baby. She did her best by that baby, and it wasn’t nearly good enough.

And look at the cost. Look how high the price, for leaving her (and millions like her) alone, and for preserving our right to own weapons. The cost is incalculable. Unimaginable. Inconceivable. It doesn’t have to be this way, and yet this is the way we have decided it will be. I hope we change our minds very soon because there’s not a damn thing in the world that justifies the circumstances that lead to rooms full of dead children.

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4 thoughts on “The Crystal Ball She Wished She’d Had”

  1. Because it’s a terrific idea to keep guns in the home you share with your son who is decompensating. Who you are scared for.

    Adam Lanza was non-functioning and would not have been able to commit mass murder without his mommy giving him access to guns, cars and has money.

    May Nancy Lanza rot in hell!

  2. In my limited view, Adrienne seems to be mistakenly equating her or other parents’ experiences with the Lanza’s situation. There is nothing to suggest that the Lanza’s did not have the financial resources to get their son help. To the contrary, when told by the Yale group that Adam needed further evaluation and help, they declined because Adam was not interested. From the limited reports it looks like Adam suffered a great deal, as his parents likely did, but they isolated themselves and did not seek help. The most recent analysis that prompted this column was careful to say that the parents, the school and the community lost chances to help and that the mental illness was NOT the reason for the devastating spree of violence. It was a fairly nuanced report. While it is possible that there was no way to address Adam’s mental problems, that is unknown because little was done to help him.
    THAT failure is beyond my understanding and sympathy. While it is also true that the mental health needs of many are not met due to lack of government funding and availability, a wholly deplorable matter, the Adam Lanza example simply does not support that proposition.

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