People who equate truth with fact are missing the point.

Unclear On the Concept

After I whined for awhile about being unable to think of anything to write about, Brian offered to interview me. “That’s kind of weird, don’t you think?” I asked. “I mean, I don’t really do the guest blog thing, and you don’t even like to write.”

“No, no,” says my beloved, “I’ll ask the questions, but you’ll do the writing. Get it?”

I think he’s a little unclear as to how this interview thing works, but whatever. We’re not much for convention around here anyhow, so we went outside and sat on the porch swing while Carter rode his bike in circles around the cul-de-sac, and Brian asked me questions.

Him: Why do you want to write?

Me: That’s kind of a dumb question. Nobody cares why.

Him: You pretty much suck at being interviewed, you know?

Me: Fine. What’s the next question?

Him: OK, remember that time a few weeks ago when you shaved your legs? What possessed you to do that?

Me: I don’t know. I guess sometimes I think I should do things like girls do them. I mean, girlie things.

Him: Why do you think you’re not a girl?

Me: Because I don’t do girlie things! You know, pretty things and shaving and, I don’t know, lipstick. Like that.

Him: You can always make sure you’re a girl by checking to see if you still have a vagina, right? That’s reliable for most people.

Me: Hey, is that why boys are always hanging onto their boy parts? To make sure they’re still boys?

Him: Nah, because if boys had boobs, they’d play with those all the time, too. It’s just a boy thing. What’s your biggest regret in life?

Me: From boobs to regret? What is wrong with you?

Him: The biggest regret; what is it? I know it’s not marrying Robert because of the kids, so what is it?

Me: This house. Moving.

Him: Yeah, me, too. Have you ever told that story on your blog?

Me: Not yet. Someday, when I can tell it without being a raging horrible bitch. Or act like it was all my fault. Or whatever. Maybe I’ll never tell it. I don’t know.

Him: What do you like best about me?

Me: You mean, besides your boyish good looks?

Him: No, that’ll do. I am terminally handsome. What’s your favorite shape for a swimming pool? If we could build our own, what shape would you want?

Me: Octagonal. Duh.

Him: You’re weird. OK, so you get to build your dream house. What’s it like?

Me: It’s clean. Somebody else cleans it.

Him: What else?

Me: Oh! There’s an apartment on the roof, and that’s where the ninjas live! Remember when the kids used to say that our dream house should have a team of ninjas on the roof for security?

Him: I meant your dream house, like the floor plan and how many bedrooms and that kind of stuff.

Me: That’s boring. Next question.

Him: What’s your favorite kind of flower?

Me: I don’t care. Not carnations. I don’t like carnations, but otherwise? I don’t care.

Him: You have flower tattoos! Obviously you don’t hate them!

Me: Tattoo flowers! My favorite flowers are tattoo flowers!

Him: What’s your greatest wish for the kids? Or your highest hope for them?

Me: I hope they live lives that they’re proud of. That they’re honorable people. God, that’s so old-fashioned, right? Honorable. That’s a stupid word. Integrity! I want them to live with integrity!

Him: Where do you think you’ll be five years from now?

Me: I don’t know. I don’t want to think about that. You know how fast things can change with Carter. I hope Carter is stable. I hope I’m earning some money. Hey, maybe we’ll be able to move to Canada by then! Wouldn’t that be awesome?

Him: It’s too damn cold in Canada. How would you like to be remembered after you’re dead? What do you want people to say about you?

Me: I thought you were going to ask me funny questions. That’s way intense.

Him: Yeah, well, answer it anyway.

Me: Sigh…I don’t know. Maybe people should lie about me after I’m dead!

Him: No, really. What would you want the kids to say about you?

Me: I don’t know if I can answer that. I hope…I really don’t know. I hope people say I really loved the people I loved. That there was no doubt. I don’t think that’s what they’ll say, though.

Him: Why wouldn’t they?

Me: Sigh…I don’t know! This isn’t supposed to make me cry, right? I don’t think so. Next question!

Him: What’s the one sex position that you haven’t tried and you want to? And can we try it tonight?

Me: I’m not answering that! Not on the front porch or on my blog!

Him: Fine. You can tell me later.

Me: Maybe.

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20 comments to Unclear On the Concept

  • That was very sweet, and you are lucky to have someone that makes you laugh like that.

    I can tell he really likes you, and you right back.

    You had fun, too, didn’t you? We just love the attention, any way we can get it.

    • Of course I had fun! I am, as you know, the most fascinating person EVER. Or at least that’s the way it seems to me. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      And yes, he keeps me in stitches, which is a very good thing!

  • There are parts of Canada that are warmer than parts of the U.S. It really depends on where you live now..

  • I’m still laughing. You sound a bit like me. I’m a self-professed Geek. A team of ninjas on the roof sounds perfectly logical to me, but floor-plans can be interesting too…if they’re for a Dungeons and Dragons game. Sorry, I probably just lost you there. ๐Ÿ˜‰ As for how you will be remembered when you die, I don’t think those you care about will have any doubts about your love.

    • I would have a very fun time designing my dream house, but as words on a screen? Probably not much fun. In fact, when I can’t sleep at night and my brain goes into that anxious spinny things that certain brains do (I think you know the one), I imagine my dream house. It’s like counting sheep for a suburban American – where will I put the laundry room? How many lazy susans in the kitchen? What about a reading loft in my office? (On the reading loft? Yes, please!)

      And thank you. I do hope they all know how much I love them. And if they ever doubt, these words are here as a reminder.

  • Tease! Temptress!

    You could be an educator. An enlightener. Maybe your favorite position is something I haven’t tried yet (how that could be I don’t know but anything’s possible) and you are denying me and my husband fantastic yoga sex!

    Boy. The ways in which you think only of yourself know no bounds.

  • “You can always make sure youโ€™re a girl by checking to see if you still have a vagina, right? Thatโ€™s reliable for most people.”

    This line killed me.

    As if us girls are constantly bending over in front of mirrors to double check. Like, yup still a girl. Phew.


  • i think we should just start grabbing our crotches like the guys do to make sure nothin has been growing there…

    • But what would you do if you FOUND something, hmmm? Isn’t there that one culture somewhere in Asia where some people spontaneously change sexes at the onset of puberty? I’m going to have to look into that…

  • I love when my hubby is my backup on the blog. Yours seems to know exactly the right questions to ask! My favorite is the first real question about the time you shaved your legs! Priceless!!!! Enjoyed the interview.

  • Shawna

    I don’t think that up here in Canada we can beat New Mexico weather, but it’s not all snow & igloos!
    And yes, we pay 40% of our income in various taxes, but we have that healthcare thingy that makes it all worthwhile!
    The waiting lines aren’t as bad as the Anti-Obama-care propaganda would have you believe, so come on up!

    • Preaching to the converted, my dear! We pay plenty more than 40% for taxes + medical care. There are few things I want more in the world than a single-payer system like y’all have up north. In fact? It’s one of the big reasons that we hope to maybe move someday. My husband’s company has a few employees in Quebec, so who knows? It could happen for us someday.

      I will buy my husband an abundance of wool socks. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • I will be giving out the Foxy Mama Award on my blog tomorrow, and you will be one of the recipients!

  • I am trying to imagine Mark interviewing me.


    I can’t even see it.

    I would have to make up the whole thing.

    Hmmmm . . .

    That might work!

    • Brian is a good sport about things like that. I may or may not be actively encouraging his idea that this blog is someday going to make us a pile of money. That idea is working for me.

      And making the whole thing up? I think that could be hysterical. Although to be fair, I think you could probably make a list of phone numbers hysterical, so hop to! I’d like to request that you somehow include the monkey fingers thing because that cracks me up every time.

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